Waking up next to my fiancé this morning felt comforting. The second best feeling? Knowing we could go see our baby girl together.
Eloira is doing well today on the oscillator. Even though she has to be sedated to stay still, her labs are looking good, and there are signs that the antibiotics are working.
Today was a good day.
But emotionally… I’m still all over the place. My mood shifts without warning.
One moment I’m okay, the next I’m staring into space, tears just flowing.
I think about what Eloira is going through. And I keep asking myself— Why?
I’ve wanted children for so long.
And now that I have my baby… this is not how I imagined it. I keep blaming myself.
Thinking about all the times I didn’t sit down. All the times I pushed through instead of resting. Even after my gender reveal, when my feet were swollen, I ignored it.
I thought I was just tired.
I thought I was strong.
I didn’t want to seem lazy.
Now I feel like my body was trying to tell me something… And I ignored it.
My fiancé tries to reassure me. He tells me everything will be okay. That our baby girl will come home.
I know he’s hurting too.
But I don’t even know how to be there for him… when I can barely hold myself together.
The Eloira Effect 
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